Worst Start To The Week

Hey y'all. I kinda get why I didn't update so often previously; takes a lot of time and dedication to do so. Well I should be able to multitask. I'm a doctor after all.

Speaking of which, I have never felt more inadequate as a doctor before today. We had ward rounds today and Dr Sabri simply walked out on us since we didn't cover the patients we were supposed to. Two of them were mine (in fact he walked out after I said I hadn't clerked the patient yet). It was kinda a stroke of bad luck; he always did the rounds in one order, and I clerked fully half the patients I was supposed to (six, which makes me look really fucking stupid) in that order but then he went the other way, towards the beds I hadn't clerked yet...disaster ensued.

I'm really hoping there are no lasting consequences to this. The last thing I need is the rest of the lecturers bearing down on me again. I'm trying my best, but it just isn't enough. I'm at the stage where I'm supposed to know the things I don't, if that makes sense. I have to already know certain things which I took for granted back when I didn't take my studies seriously, and now I should be learning new things on top of catching up. It's hard, and sometimes I wish some slack could be cut my way. Though to be honest, it's entirely my fault. I should have done this, should have done that. Shouldn't have done this, shouldn't have done that. I'm twenty four years old. And already I have regrets I wish with all my heart I could undo. Is it surprising I have grey hair already?

If it's any consolation to myself, I love fiction. I love making shit up like Dedushka Igor did in the past post. This writing business is something I enjoy, not because I want to shove ideas in front of an audience (I have the Filosophy Friday column for that) but because...well, it's fun. It's fun to imagine people doing things. Things I wish I could do, yanno? Like hang gliding, or jet skiing, or hiding a corpse. Ah, it's great to imagine.

But once I'm done I'm back in reality, back to the regrets, back to the realisation that I am still nowhere near the vicinity of 'As good as I should be'. And that kinda sucks, but we all need a reality check. We had the spinning top in Inception, mine is just...looking at the mirror. Okay, depressing. Let's stop before somebody (me) gets hurt.

By Unknown with 2 comments